Dear Clement,
We went to see your mom, by
we, I mean my mom and I. When I saw her I could tell she had started crying
from the moment I called to find out where she was. I felt terrible for
inflicting such pain on her and almost wished I hadn't come but it was
inevitable. Anyone that cared enough would pay that necessary visit. I wondered then how condolence visits started. What it was meant to do and if people were aware of
the pain it caused the family members of the deceased to see people who felt
sorry for them or with them. It wasn't comfortable sitting with her, we had little or
nothing to say. It got awkward, it got quiet, it got empty but we still sat
there with her. Eventually I prayed and my mom tried consoling yours with
words and all that time I held my own. Then your mom started to talk about how close you
and I were and I couldn't hold the tears anymore. Although I still tried to keep it together
so she wouldn't break down. All this was going on while I half expected you to
walk in and tell a joke.
I know death, a few has happened in my
family but I still couldn't understand it. My cousin, my uncle, my grand-dads and then
you. The night I saw the news on Bobby's Facebook page, I was numb, for a few
minutes I couldn't process it so I kept going back to reread it. I also read
other posts by Bobby, just to be sure. I dropped my phone and distracted myself
with some books, I was writing my exams then. Some minutes passed then I closed my books and checked my phone again; it was still there. I sent him a message and finally lay down and the tears poured down. It started as a few free drops, till the gates seemed too
narrow for the volume it trapped behind and then the hiccups and heavy
breathing and finally the outburst. I could feel you around me as I cried. I
imagined you were there trying to console me as I told you I needed to mourn
you. You looked down from above and I could see you smile. That instant I became aware of
how terrible a friend I had been and I was angry that I didn't
get to hold your hands as you laid sick. Maybe if I had been there...
I still remember the way you called my
name in mockery; raising your pitch at d second syllable and stretching the third one. It used to piss me off
then. I'd do anything now to hear it again. I remember the frown you had on your
face when you advised me not to become a career woman. I had laughed and I smile now
because I understand you were worried about my feminism because you
cared. I still haven't changed but I did get a short like the one you wore, I used to admire it on you, it makes me feel closer to you. That day you told me you were scared of what the future held for you and I didn't understand it. You were fresh out of school with a good degree, smart thinking and creative mind. I didn't think anything could stop you; even capital. I never thought about death, now I wonder if you did.
Looking at your
mother I felt insignificant. I realized I couldn't console her, I couldn't even
console myself. The only reasonable thing that I obviously couldn't do was to go get you back for her, for
Bobby, for Diana, for Myself and for all the lives that you had touched. You
brought laughter and fun, respect and wisdom, you were a wonderful companion
and you could always make me feel lucky on my worst days. More than a friend,
you were that brother I never had. Every time I walk down that area, that
street; anywhere we've strolled and talked together, tears well
over my eyes and I smile amidst it knowing I'd never forget those times, your
voice, your laugh, your ever pouting mouth. We all love you and we miss you everyday.
Your bully,
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